71.

71. That is my hormone level, or at least it WAS my level a week ago, last Wednesday. But, my period definitely started on Monday so the doctor said there is no reason to test again. Just monitor my cycles, document anything unusual, and call them if I have any questions. It's weird, I thought I would have more closure; like this giant dark sad feeling would magically leave when my period returned. It hasn't. And now I fear I'll only feel truly healed when I get pregnant with a healthy baby. :/

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, and had my pregnancy been healthy and viable, I would have had my 20 week anatomy scan and learned whether I'd be welcoming another baby boy or a little girl into our family. I wish I could forget about these milestones. I think having remembered that, it has made this week more difficult to live through. And now I'm worried I'll suffer the same emotional torment come February 1st, my projected due date. :(

The hubs and I have planned a weekend escape to Miami though. I hope I can get outside of my head and enjoy the trip. The baby and dogs are set to stay with my parents for the weekend. I haven't really left Drummer Boy for more than 1 night, and even though this is only a 2 night trip, I'm nervous about it. I'm sure he'll be fine, I'm not really worried about him, I'm worried about me and missing him. Already, I can't wait until Sunday when I get to come home to him. <3

A beam of light in the tunnel.

My blood test was last Wednesday and since then, I've been awaiting a call back from my OB. GRRRrrr! :( I've left two messages on the nurses line, and missed one call from them where the nurse said there weren't any results in my file yet. That message is from last Thursday. On the upside, I'm 90% positive my period started yesterday. I've been having some very light brown spotting, and yesterday morning in the car on the way to the grocery store, I felt a gush of 'something' and it turned out to be pinkish brownish blood. That's all I had all day yesterday though. This morning I had another 'gush' and it was dark red blood-- so it this it?? Is this my first period post miscarriage??

Sometimes, like today, I hate being awake. All I can think about is having another baby. On Saturday night, I was talking with my husband and he said, I quote, "I'm not sure how I feel about having kid #2 yet"  This devastates me all over again. I countered with, "Well I'm not happy. I want another baby." and that's all that was said about that. I keep trying to calm myself down, telling myself that my body still has healing to do from the miscarriage. And my doctor suggested waiting two full cycles before even trying to get pregnant again. But inside, I'm dying. I feel like I'm constantly trying to swallow a lump in my throat that wills me to cry. At night, I lie awake thinking of reasons I shouldn't go take some Percoset to quite the noise in my head so I can sleep. I'm not sure how to approach the subject again with my husband. He has to see that I'm changed. Damaged even. I just don't know where to go from here.

On Sunday morning, I was checking out at the grocery store, and a woman with Downs Syndrome was bagging my groceries. She's been there bagging groceries for as long as I can remember so I have no idea how old she is. She was playing with my son when she asked me, "so when are you going to have #2?". Now I don't know this lady, and she doesn't know me. This question is so hurtful these days. As kindly and unaffected as I could, I responded with, "No thanks. I'm happy with just 1.", hoping the topic was dead. But it wasn't. She said, "Aww come on, you have to have more! I want 8 kids! How many kids did you want before you had him?"  Sigh, really? I said, "Uh, I don't know, but I'm happy with just Max right now."  I could've been harsh and said, "you know, I just had a miscarriage. I don't want to talk about this.", and maybe I should have to teach her a very valuable lesson: Be kind to everyone. You don't know what battles they are fighting. All I can hope for is that if I wind up in her line next Sunday, she doesn't bring it up again. Or I might be forced to play that card. :/

Wednesday

I've made my appointment at the lab for Wednesday. Wednesday will be exactly two weeks since I last tested. Over the weekend I thought I felt symptoms that a period was coming, although nothing has shown up yet. Wishful thinking, I guess.

I'm feeling kind of down today. My pregnant girlfriend sent me an email celebrating the start of her second trimester. I really want to be happy for her, and celebrate with her, and as far as she knows, I am.. but inside I'm dying. Had my pregnancy been viable, I'd be approaching my 16 week mark and anxiously awaiting the all-telling anatomy scan. Instead, I'm anxiously awaiting my test results I'll receive at the end of this week, but as I've said before, those results won't be enough-- I want my cycles back. :(

154.

154. That was my number last week after blood test #2, week #2 (post miscarriage). It's frustrating that the hormone level isn't below 5 yet, but at least it has dropped from the 497 the week before. I'm not testing this week, and instead, I will test next week. I'm not bleeding anymore and have zero pregnancy symptoms so I hope that next week will be the final test.

I feel like my life is on hold. And I feel like I'm waiting for closure on this whole experience. At first, I thought I'd have closure after the actual miscarriage. Now I think I'll have closure when I successfully pass the blood test, but I think when my cycles return is more realistic.

No place to hide.

Friend/Co-worker: How are you feeling?

Ugh, I fucking hate this question. Do I tell them the truth: I feel broken, lost, and completely alone. Like the Grim Reaper paid me an unwelcomed premature visit and stole a part of me holding hopes and dreams for a reality that will never be… Omg, WTF? You can’t tell them that, you sound unstable! I feel unstable! Either way, I can’t risk saying something that will ultimately end with either them or I or both of us crying.. If I say I’m feeling ‘good’, I risk them believing I’m up for hearing a story about their newly pregnant friend/family member/co-worker… and I’m definitely not up for that! Is it socially acceptable to close my eyes and forget they are standing in front of me? Can I act like I didn’t hear the question and jump into a completely different topic? Are they going to want to hug me? If they do I will definitely cry. Hmm.. let’s try..

Me: Fine, how are you? 

Nope. Nightmare not over.

I got my blood results back. I needed my pregnancy hormone level to be less than 5. Unfortunately it was 497. So I'm scheduled to do another blood test this Wednesday. And I'm still bleeding. This time last week it appeared I had dried up. But the blood came back.

Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing the bleeding is back. It lets me know that my body is still excessing the pregnancy material from my uterus, which I need it to do if I want that pregnancy hormone number to continue to decrease. But what's more urgent is I need closure. I thought it would come after the miscarriage. I thought it would come after the bleeding. Now I'm hoping it will come after the pregnancy hormone drops to normal 'nonpregnant' range. But maybe it will come when my cycles return.

I spend most of my time consumed with thoughts, feelings, and emotions about becoming pregnant again. I need my body to heal, I need my cycles to return, I need to be 'normal' again.. and every day that passes and I'm still bleeding; every week that passes and my pregnancy hormone remains above 5.. I continue to sink.. into a deeper darker place.

The end.

I saw my OB yesterday. It was a follow up appointment to last Thursday's ER trip. And it was the first time I met my OB face-to-face (Long story short: I switch OBs from the one I saw during my first pregnancy and I had only ever seen the NP with this pregnancy). Monday had been a rough day. I had lots of pain: cramping and menstrual aches; and I bled more than previous days, but by Tuesday at my OB visit, an internal exam showed my cervix closing and very little blood. And today, Wednesday, I haven't bled at all! Could this nightmare be over?!

I couldn't leave the doctor appointment without doing some blood work. The OB needs to measure my pregnancy hormone and that number needs to be less than 5. If the results come back and the number is greater than 5, then I'll need to do blood work once a week until the number decreases to less than 5, and depending on how high the number is, there might be some concern about my uterus not being 'clean' enough and further tests (i.e. ultrasound) to help understand why my body thinks it's still pregnant.

I'm feeling pretty good though. I think I'll be surprised if the bloodwork still shows a significant pregnancy hormone measurement.

One negative side effect I'm dealing with though is insomnia. I can't sleep. At first I thought it was because of all the pain medication I was taking, so I stopped for a few days to cleanse my system. Then Monday night, I was so exhausted and I had a lot of anxiety leading up to Tuesday morning's OB appointment, that I opted to take two Percosets in an attempt to get a good night's sleep. And boy did I ever! Almost too good.. they quieted my mind and calmed my emotions so I rested easy that night. I know how people get addicted to that stuff now. So I didn't take any last night and I was up until after 1230 and wide awake again at 4am. What's more unfortunate, is when I'm able to close my eyes, I have nightmares about losing my son so even the little sleep I get is stressed. I'm exhausted now and although I really want to go home and take two Percosets to zone out and help me forget everything I've gone through, I won't. Hopefully I can convince myself that this chapter in my life is over and move on to happier memories.