Last Thursday.

I’m nervous today. Like when I was in school and I knew I’d be hearing about my grade on a big paper I had to write or a tough exam. I’m anxiously waiting to hear back from my OB about the blood test I took last Thursday. It was a follow up test to the one I took the week of Thanksgiving last year that came back telling me *premature ovarian failure* *menopause* and *infertility*. The prognosis to those results was ‘test again in 6 weeks’ and although the first week of the new year marked 6 weeks, my Acupuncturist requested that I wait and test on the 3rd day of my cycle.. which was last Thursday.

I’m nervous because I really want to hear that my hormone levels have returned to a normal range. I want to hear that estradiol is high and FSH is low. We also tested LH, but I’m not sure what a normal range is for that hormone. What if they haven’t improved though? What if they are still imbalanced? I will be more accepting if they are unbalanced yet better than previous results.. but what if they’re worse? How will that news affect me?

Dr. E has been very supportive in the weeks leading up to this follow up blood test. He confidently reinforces the fact that less than ideal results are not a bad thing. The blood test will give him data that he can then use to ‘course correct’. The data will either confirm that what he’s doing is right and working, or tell him he needs to tweak his methods. I respect his logic, and have reminded myself of his perspective several times over the last few weeks when I need something to control the crazy.

I’m actually feeling optimistic. Last month’s cycle was very nearly normal: it was biphasic showing a rise in BBT post ovulation; ovulation was confirmed on CD17 by both OPK strips and the post ovulation BBT rise; my cycle lasted 33 days which is much improved from the previous 40 day cycle; the cycle had a 14 day luteal phase with BBTs staying above the coverline. I only have a few concerns: although I had plenty of fertile fluid, my cervix was not high and open on the day I ovulated; and I spotted a few days before my actual period flow started.  Dr. E feels very strongly that my body is experiencing some sort of miscommunication, and that acupuncture will help reset/reboot everything. And I feel very passionate that the 9 sessions we’ve had together so far have been doing nothing but good things! I no longer have any breakthrough bleeding, my anxiety is better managed, my periods aren’t as painful, and this last cycle being so nearly normal speaks for itself! So hopefully all these good things will bring me good news today or soon! 

The Infertility Cure.

A few sessions ago with Dr. E, he prescribed me some homework. He recognizes that his strict instructions on me not maxing out my cardio exercise efforts at the gym handicaps my ability to cope with stress and anxiety and wanted to give me something to help compensate. A book to read: The Infertility Cure, The ancient Chinese Wellness Program for getting pregnant and having healthy babies, by Randine Lewis.

Two sentences into the introduction and I was hooked. Hooked in the sense of 'OMG, I could have written this book. I am this woman, and this woman is just like me!!' So I kept reading. Randine talks about having a healthy baby, and several years later, attempting to have another but ending up suffering a miscarriage instead (me). Her yearning to have another child grows into an obsession (me). She takes pain pills to numb the emotional pain (me, again). And then she goes into how she turned Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to completely transform her reproductive system, and as a result had a healthy baby boy months later (I hope this will be me someday!).

There are several different chapters included in the book, all with the same overlying Mantra, "Infertility is a Myth". For my situation, this book has been invaluable.There is a whole chapter on Premature Ovarian Failure, POF, that has brought me much comfort in that I am experiencing none of the normal symptoms associated with this condition. It has offered me hope beyond hope with every case study presented; and as a result I feel I can better communicate with Dr. E. Anyone experiencing any form of infertility (which is a myth!) should pick up this book.

This is 2013.

Not quite how I pictured it. I certainly didn't picture myself still nursing the wounds of a lost pregnancy. And I definitely didn't see myself regularly seeing an Acupuncture Therapist to sync up an epically unbalanced hormonal system.

On New Year's Day, we went to the movies and saw This is 40. Lots of laughs. Just what the doctor ordered. Literally. One interesting part of the story though, was the references to Eastern Medicine. The lead female character believed in Traditional Chinese Medicine, or TCM (<-- more on that later) so much so that when her young daughter had an ear infection, her eastern medicine practitioner was the first one she called for help! Then you learn that TCM miraculously shrunk a large thyroid gland that had once promised infertility, and a pregnancy resulted. As sensitive as I am to pregnancy success stories, I appreciated the reference to Eastern Medicine and it's help in achieving a positive result. It makes me feel comforted and optimistic about my own reproductive future. 

Yesterday, I had my 6th session with Dr. E. At my 4th session, I arrived very emotional. I was on cycle day 38 with no signs that ovulation had occurred and no signs or symptoms that my period was coming; and no possibility of pregnancy. He comforted me, explained to me how he felt my chart and current status was a good thing, and said that he was going to place some 'extra' needles to 'jumpstart' my body into starting a period. That afternoon I had menstrual cramps, with a very heavy period starting at 1am the next morning!!

During our session, he also explained to me that my first period while under Acupuncture Therapy would be different that any period I've ever had. He told me to expect very heavy flow, rich dark red blood, clotting and maybe more pain. I'm soooo glad we had that talk because ALL of those things happened!! Heaviest period of my life! It was over in 4 days (opposed to the normal 7 days). Lots of clots and 'old' material. He described that flow to be cleansing, and I agree.

Yesterday's session was much more mellow. We're feeling optimistic about my chart this week. I have signs/symptoms that my body is preparing to ovulate. My waking temps are grouped nicely. Since the start of this new cycle, he prescribed I take a formula of Chinese herbs, they come in a vitamin called Maternal Health. He wouldn't tell me how the supplement may or may not affect the chart because he doesn't want me to obsess about it, which I can definitely appreciate. So now I'm just taking one day at a time. Each day awarding me with another data point unlocking the mystery to fixing a really fucked up game of 'telephone' between the major players of my reproductive system.