Lately I feel.

That's it. I just 'feel'.

I have a tremendous amount of work stress.. in the form impossible tasks and unrealistic due dates. Not to mention all the fires I'm responsible for putting out each day. Imagine fighting 10 fires with only enough water for 5! Also, my period started this week, the second one since my miscarriage in July. And also, two close girlfriends had new babies on Wednesday of this week.

So I've been doing a lot of 'feeling'. And lately my mood swings from sad and anxious to insecure and angry. Unfortunately, I can't say that I've felt very happy lately, or even a little happy lately. Well maybe a little happy when I pick up my son from daycare and we sing the theme song to Little Einsteins at the tops of our lungs in the car ride home!

With the onset of my second cycle post July miscarriage, I realized I didn't do an outstanding job charting my first cycle. In fact, I'm not even sure I ovulated last month. My lack of attention to detail surprises me considering how anxious I am to know that my body is 'normal' after everything that happened. So I've reverted back to my Bible: Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book taught me more than I've ever known about my own body, and I'm back to charting temperature, cervical position/mucus, and other symptoms. Both of my periods have been relatively normal, and my first cycle ended up being 28 days sharp (usually my cycle fluctuates between 28-32 days).

Maybe it's all the pregnant people surrounding me; maybe it's my two close friends that had babies this week.. but I'm really anxious to have the 'when can we have another baby?' talk with the hubs. I'm so ready: my contract at work was recently extended, there is a possibility that I will be getting a raise soon, I've changed some habits in the last couple of months and been able to put $1000 in savings each month (!!), Max is heading out of diapers soon AND out of his crib, I want to have another one that's close in age to Max-- I really rely on my younger brother (3 years younger) and I know he relies on me and I want Max to have a similar sibling relationship! I want him to have someone he can play with and fight with, someone he can protect and someone who has his back.. someone he can talk about things with that he can't talk to his parents about-- all the things I value in my relationship with my brother. Further, I can't help but think, as a family, this is our life together. We should support one another with everything we want to achieve in life! Now I just have to see if the hubs agrees.

The Sims

I feel like a character in the game, The Sims. In fact, I can even envision one of those sparkly purple diamonds suspended atop my head. For those you haven't ever played, in the beginning, when you're developing your character, you choose their aspirations. Money, power, knowledge... family. I'm certain of my aspirations: family. And when you're playing the game, your every move with your character is to meet certain milestones that ultimately satisfy your character's aspirations. For instance, if your character aspires to be wealthy, you make sure he gets a job as an innovator. If your character's aspirations are family, you make sure they find love and have a family.

When I played the game, I always made sure my character met his/her aspirations. Because if they didn't, they would die.. right? Or I would 'lose' the game. "I like losing", said nobody. Ever.

I've been comparing The Sims game to my current situation a lot lately. I have quite a bit of anxiety about the moment when I tell my husband that I want to be pregnant my body is ready to be pregnant.  What if he says no, will I die? For now, I attempt to calm those nerves by telling myself that pregnancy isn't an option right now. All that about healing and stuff from my previous post.

Random mumblings.

It's official. There are only 2 girls in my circle of girlfriends who aren't pregnant right now. While I'm truely happy for most of them, I'm also still sad for myself. I was supposed to be pregnant now too. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that I'm just not pregnant right now. It's not the right time. I need to go through this, I need to spend the next couple of months not pregnant so my body can properly heal so that when it is the right time, I'll have a healthy baby.

I had lunch with one of my closest friends last week, J. We weren't anything more than acquaintances until recently. When my boss learned about my miscarriage, he recommended I reach out to this woman since her and I now had something in common. Turns out we had both experienced the exact same thing: a blighted ovum. Her friendship and support has been (and continues to be) a godsend. She's the only person I feel completely comfortable crying in front of; she understands my feelings perfectly, and yet I can not imagine being in her shoes. Directly following her blighted ovum, she went on to have a second pregnancy loss diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy. J is currently 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby girl. Anyways, during our lunch last week, I was anxious to open up to her about some feelings I've been trying to manage. J shared with me that all her anxiety led her to ask for help through counseling. I feel I need to seriously consider this path. I think I've always had some level of anxiety, but this particular event has sort of opened Pandora's Box.  

Before I knew J, I reached out to a different friend, S. I knew she suffered a pregnancy loss and was hopeful she could help me cope. Her pregnancy loss was very different though. She had a fetus. In reaching out to her, I learned that she suffered not 1 miscarriage, but two, back-to-back. And the second more tragic than the first since with the second, she had actually heard a heartbeat several times. I don't want to compare our losses to say hers was worse than mine, loss is loss, but it was hard to relate to her. She too, is currently 9 months pregnant, and with a baby boy. We've spoken a few times since July, but I've mainly relied on J for my sanity. 

So here's two women I know personally that have suffered consecutive pregnancy losses and both of them blame neglecting doctor's orders. Although the desire to heal a pregnancy loss with another pregnancy is unbearably strong, it is certainly not doctor recommended. Even with a natural miscarriage (no D&C/surgery), doctors recommend waiting 2-3 cycles before trying to conceive. This is because the passing of pregnancy tissue really thins the lining of the uterus, and you need the first few cycles to rebuild a healthy and strong uterus- one that can support a healthy and strong baby. Both of my girlfriends became immediately pregnant following their first pregnancy loss, and as a result, endured a second loss. I can't do this again. I won't go through this again, or put my family through this a second time. So I have to go through this now. The waiting period. The healing period. Because when the time is right, my miracle will come.