Scary questions.

I'm having a difficult day. For some reason, I woke up 'on edge' early this morning-- remembering my potentially low egg reserve as soon as I opened my eyes. I've spent most of the morning feeling as though I'm swallowing back tears, and I can't stop obsessing about the future of my fertility. This is what my Acupuncturist calls 'spinning', and in times such as these, I need to work extra hard to get out of my own head, to control the crazy, embrace the calm.. but easier said than done.

In a previous post, I mentioned that is recently came to light that the hubs and I aren't on the same page about having a baby right now. This realization is unbelievably...  everything! Frustrating, saddening, stressful, scary, heart breaking... If doctors are putting my fertility on a time table and the hubs isn't on board, where does that leave me? I'll tell you where.. pondering very scary questions.

Can I 'let go' of having a second child?

If I can't 'let go', how will I cope?

How long will I resent my husband for not at least trying to have a second child?

Am I willing to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things I do?

I really struggle with these. Some days I wake up stronger than others, more empowered, and think,

There is no way I'm menopausal. It doesn't run in my family. I had a miscarriage last year, it was traumatic, and my body is still recovering. And if that's not the case, and my eggs are gone, we'll deal. I'll live happily ever after with my one child. It's not so bad. Just wait until he's older and we can pick up and travel at a moment's notice.

Other days, I am weak and pathetic:

I'm 32 years old and my eggs are gone. I was on birth control pills for 17 years-- what happened to all of those eggs I didn't produce?! I waited until everything was in-place before having a child because I thought I had a long fertile future and look at me... 32 and tests suggest menopause. My son will never have a sibling, he'll never cherish the strong sibling bond, such as I have with my brother. I will forever feel heartache and sadness with every pregnancy and birth announcement I hear. The miscarriage will always haunt me as that was my last chance for a second baby and my body failed me. How many nights will I talk myself out of taking Percoset to quiet the noise in my head so I can sleep? If there is still time to have a baby, how can I convince my husband we're ready?? 

I recently read something on Twitter that I'm kind of using as a mantra right now:

Let go of the many reasons why you can't, and hold tightly to one reason you can. Maybe I should write that 100 times.