Random mumblings.

It's official. There are only 2 girls in my circle of girlfriends who aren't pregnant right now. While I'm truely happy for most of them, I'm also still sad for myself. I was supposed to be pregnant now too. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and tell myself that I'm just not pregnant right now. It's not the right time. I need to go through this, I need to spend the next couple of months not pregnant so my body can properly heal so that when it is the right time, I'll have a healthy baby.

I had lunch with one of my closest friends last week, J. We weren't anything more than acquaintances until recently. When my boss learned about my miscarriage, he recommended I reach out to this woman since her and I now had something in common. Turns out we had both experienced the exact same thing: a blighted ovum. Her friendship and support has been (and continues to be) a godsend. She's the only person I feel completely comfortable crying in front of; she understands my feelings perfectly, and yet I can not imagine being in her shoes. Directly following her blighted ovum, she went on to have a second pregnancy loss diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy. J is currently 9 months pregnant with a healthy baby girl. Anyways, during our lunch last week, I was anxious to open up to her about some feelings I've been trying to manage. J shared with me that all her anxiety led her to ask for help through counseling. I feel I need to seriously consider this path. I think I've always had some level of anxiety, but this particular event has sort of opened Pandora's Box.  

Before I knew J, I reached out to a different friend, S. I knew she suffered a pregnancy loss and was hopeful she could help me cope. Her pregnancy loss was very different though. She had a fetus. In reaching out to her, I learned that she suffered not 1 miscarriage, but two, back-to-back. And the second more tragic than the first since with the second, she had actually heard a heartbeat several times. I don't want to compare our losses to say hers was worse than mine, loss is loss, but it was hard to relate to her. She too, is currently 9 months pregnant, and with a baby boy. We've spoken a few times since July, but I've mainly relied on J for my sanity. 

So here's two women I know personally that have suffered consecutive pregnancy losses and both of them blame neglecting doctor's orders. Although the desire to heal a pregnancy loss with another pregnancy is unbearably strong, it is certainly not doctor recommended. Even with a natural miscarriage (no D&C/surgery), doctors recommend waiting 2-3 cycles before trying to conceive. This is because the passing of pregnancy tissue really thins the lining of the uterus, and you need the first few cycles to rebuild a healthy and strong uterus- one that can support a healthy and strong baby. Both of my girlfriends became immediately pregnant following their first pregnancy loss, and as a result, endured a second loss. I can't do this again. I won't go through this again, or put my family through this a second time. So I have to go through this now. The waiting period. The healing period. Because when the time is right, my miracle will come.