A beam of light in the tunnel.

My blood test was last Wednesday and since then, I've been awaiting a call back from my OB. GRRRrrr! :( I've left two messages on the nurses line, and missed one call from them where the nurse said there weren't any results in my file yet. That message is from last Thursday. On the upside, I'm 90% positive my period started yesterday. I've been having some very light brown spotting, and yesterday morning in the car on the way to the grocery store, I felt a gush of 'something' and it turned out to be pinkish brownish blood. That's all I had all day yesterday though. This morning I had another 'gush' and it was dark red blood-- so it this it?? Is this my first period post miscarriage??

Sometimes, like today, I hate being awake. All I can think about is having another baby. On Saturday night, I was talking with my husband and he said, I quote, "I'm not sure how I feel about having kid #2 yet"  This devastates me all over again. I countered with, "Well I'm not happy. I want another baby." and that's all that was said about that. I keep trying to calm myself down, telling myself that my body still has healing to do from the miscarriage. And my doctor suggested waiting two full cycles before even trying to get pregnant again. But inside, I'm dying. I feel like I'm constantly trying to swallow a lump in my throat that wills me to cry. At night, I lie awake thinking of reasons I shouldn't go take some Percoset to quite the noise in my head so I can sleep. I'm not sure how to approach the subject again with my husband. He has to see that I'm changed. Damaged even. I just don't know where to go from here.

On Sunday morning, I was checking out at the grocery store, and a woman with Downs Syndrome was bagging my groceries. She's been there bagging groceries for as long as I can remember so I have no idea how old she is. She was playing with my son when she asked me, "so when are you going to have #2?". Now I don't know this lady, and she doesn't know me. This question is so hurtful these days. As kindly and unaffected as I could, I responded with, "No thanks. I'm happy with just 1.", hoping the topic was dead. But it wasn't. She said, "Aww come on, you have to have more! I want 8 kids! How many kids did you want before you had him?"  Sigh, really? I said, "Uh, I don't know, but I'm happy with just Max right now."  I could've been harsh and said, "you know, I just had a miscarriage. I don't want to talk about this.", and maybe I should have to teach her a very valuable lesson: Be kind to everyone. You don't know what battles they are fighting. All I can hope for is that if I wind up in her line next Sunday, she doesn't bring it up again. Or I might be forced to play that card. :/