Nope. Nightmare not over.

I got my blood results back. I needed my pregnancy hormone level to be less than 5. Unfortunately it was 497. So I'm scheduled to do another blood test this Wednesday. And I'm still bleeding. This time last week it appeared I had dried up. But the blood came back.

Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing the bleeding is back. It lets me know that my body is still excessing the pregnancy material from my uterus, which I need it to do if I want that pregnancy hormone number to continue to decrease. But what's more urgent is I need closure. I thought it would come after the miscarriage. I thought it would come after the bleeding. Now I'm hoping it will come after the pregnancy hormone drops to normal 'nonpregnant' range. But maybe it will come when my cycles return.

I spend most of my time consumed with thoughts, feelings, and emotions about becoming pregnant again. I need my body to heal, I need my cycles to return, I need to be 'normal' again.. and every day that passes and I'm still bleeding; every week that passes and my pregnancy hormone remains above 5.. I continue to sink.. into a deeper darker place.